On The Surface
by setsofsoulmates
Summary: How could Vaughn even look at her?’ On the surface, nothing is right for Sydney Bristow. But there’s a reason she doesn’t want to change it. Oneshot. SV. Post Season Three.


**Alias**

**On The Surface**

**A/N:** A one-shot. Slightly AU. Set after 'Resurrection.' Hope you like. xxx

**Summary:** 'How could Vaughn even look at her?' On the surface, nothing is right for Sydney Bristow. But there's a reason she doesn't want to change it. One-shot. S/V. Post Season Three.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own nor am I affiliated with Alias in anyway. I'd love to claim ownership but.

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The surface of the water called to her. It beckoned her to break through the glassy surface and fill her lungs with air. She resisted. Just for a second, but long enough for a sharp, shoot of panic to race through her stomach. She shot out of the water and gasped for oxygen. Her heart started to pound and her head to throb.

She reached around to where the bathroom sink stood and stretched to open the top drawer where the aspirin was kept. Reaching in, she pulled out the aluminum packet that encased it and popped two of the pills into her waiting hand. She nearly laughed at her stupidity when she saw the white mush that floated around on the top of her hand where the aspirin had dissolved. She was supposed to be smarter than that. She was one of the top spies in one of the top intelligence agencies in the world. She was renowned in the spy world. People she had never heard of offered her their gratitude, praises and awe.

She swallowed the aspirin and sighed. She could walk into a warehouse and steal an artifact without being seen but she couldn't even take an aspirin. She could jump from an aeroplane dressed in nothing but lingerie and a parachute and survive but she couldn't keep the man she loved. And when she got him back, she couldn't bear to face him.

On the surface of it, things were as bad as they could be. Sydney didn't think that there was any possible way that things could be worse. Living her life of deceit, betrayal and guilt. Nothing made her feel worse than lying to Vaughn. Nothing made her feel worse than betraying Vaughn. Nothing made her feel worse than not being able to look in his eyes for the guilt she felt. Nothing made her feel worse than not being able to touch him. Nothing made her feel worse than not being able to have him comfort her. And nothing, nothing at all, made her feel worse than seeing the look in his eyes. The look that she couldn't accept because it said he loved her and he would always love her no matter what she did and no matter what else they went through.

Nothing made her feel worse but this was the life she was living and it was the life she didn't want to change.

She would never ever say it out loud, but Sydney was scared. She didn't want things to change because at least she knew where she stood. At least she wouldn't have to deal with Vaughn telling her he could never forgive her, he could never love her, could never be with him. She didn't think she could deal with the hurt of losing him again. And she knew she could never deal with the looks he would give her when he finally confronted her and broke it off.

How could he even look at her as it was? Sure, she reasoned, it wasn't as if she'd meant for things to go so far, to turn so wrong. And what was worse was this, she had betrayed him with the man he hated most. How could he love her after that?

A knock came at the door and her sister's voice rang out.

"Sydney, Vaughn's on the phone," she said, her accent less strong than it had been when Sydney had rescued her.

"Tell him I'm busy," she called back. "Or that I'm sleeping. Or that I don't want to be disturbed."

"Sydney," Nadia said, quietly.

"Nadia," Sydney shot back, her voice not sympathetic at all. She had no desire to see the man. She had no desire to even talk to him. What she had done made her sick and she didn't think she could face him just yet.

"Fine," Nadia called. "But I'm not happy about lying to him."

"You lie everyday at work. It's your job," Sydney replied, rolling her eyes. She knew exactly what her sister's response would be.

"That's different. I get paid for that. Besides, Vaughn's our friend," Nadia said. Sydney heard her sister sigh impatiently, silently willing her through the door to answer the bloody phone. "I don't like bringing work home with me. You know that."

"You're in the wrong profession for that," Sydney said, a smile playing on her lips. She grew serious again and became agitated that her sister was interrupting her time of peace. "Nadia, just tell him I'll call him back later. That's not a lie. I might just call him back."

She heard Nadia's impatient sigh and then the click of the portable phone as Nadia picked it back up. Her voice grew softer as she clicked away, presumably to the comfort and safety of her own bedroom. Sydney's face softened again and the tension melted away as she sunk back into the bath. The water was getting cold so she emptied the bath slightly and filled it back up with warmer water, adding more bubbles. She reached over and switched the C.D. player back on, letting the room fill with the voice of Josh Groban.

The only light in the bathroom was coming from the scented candles she had placed around the room. Wafts of rose swept over her and she breathed it in greedily. It had always been one of her favourite scents. Her mother had always smelled spicy, of Opium. Her mother had never been into soft, soothing perfumes, opting instead for more Oriental and woody scents. Sydney figured that the smell of roses, or of citrus, or of a summer bouquet was the furthest away from her mother's scent that she could get. It wasn't that she hated her mother. God knows that after everything her mother had done, she deserved to be hated. Sydney couldn't bring herself to do so knowing that some of the things she had done had been just as bad as Irina.

There had been lies, deception, killing, seduction. It was in the Bristow/Derevko women's blood.

It was the last word that made her sick. _Seduction._ How Vaughn could ever love her, forgive her after what she'd done blew her mind. It wasn't meant to turn out like that. Sydney hadn't meant for it to go so far but it had and although she knew everything would turn out better in the end, it still killed her every time she remembered the look on Vaughn's face when he had found out. When he found out she had all but slept with Sark to find out where Lauren was. That she had used the seduction routine as a game, each question with the 'correct' answer entitling him to a reward of his choice, to trick Sark into spilling everything about the Covenant. That the name 'Julian' had slipped off her lips effortlessly. And even when he was willing to put it behind them, she wasn't. Even though she felt he had punished her and betrayed her enough when she returned to find him married to Lauren, she still felt like she needed to punish her a little more.

And that's what this was to her. Punishment. She couldn't feel his rough fingers on his skin or feel his early morning stubble brush against her own smooth feet. Their feet wouldn't be tangles in the sheets. Their hands wouldn't find each other's automatically. She wouldn't allow it because she felt dirty, she felt hopeless and she felt abused.

She should never have allowed the CIA to use Sark's fascination with her against him. But she did, and now she was punishing herself.

Steam rose up from the scalding bath and Sydney's eyes followed it to the roof where it danced around before settling on the perfect position and turning itself into tiny little droplets of water. She heard the doorbell ring and listened half-heartedly as Nadia answered the door. There was no gasp, no scream so Sydney figured there was no imminent danger, probably just Eric or one of the girl's father's come to visit. She didn't move. If someone was here to see her, they would have to make their way to her.

The door opened without any announcement and Vaughn walked in.

"Sydney, this is stupid," he said, slamming the door shut behind him. "I don't want to do this anymore. I love you and I want to be with you but it's not going to work if you don't put all this behind you."

"I don't know what you mean," Sydney said, stepping out of the bath. She reached for her dressing gown and tied it around her dripping body before blowing out the candles and leaving them in the darkness. She had always felt comfortable in the cover of the night. She stepped forward and went to open the door but instead felt Vaughn's strong arms grabbing her from behind. She allowed him to turn around and lean down to kiss her.

"Oh, Vaughn," she said, bursting into tears. The sobs wracked her body as he stood there, holding her. The steam danced around them as she sank to the floor, still in his arms. "I'm so sorry."

"It's ok," he whispered to her, his hands stroking her hair. Her sobs ceased but she stayed in his arms. "I know you feel bad because you feel like you betrayed me but a) it was an assignment, b) nothing happened and c) I love you because of who you are, not what you do. And after all we've been through, it's going to take a lot more than this to pull us apart now."

"I guess I was pretty stupid," she said, a smile growing on her lips.

"I guess so," he answered, an identical smile makings it way across his own face. There was one thing that had made him laugh. The fact that Sark was so much more fascinated with Sydney than he ever had been with his ex-wife. Lauren was beautiful and dangerous, but after awhile, boring.

"We keep hurting each other," she said. "Over and over again. It seems like all we do is take sides and hurt each other. It doesn't make sense. I know I could never love anyone as much as I love you but it seems like the Universe is against us, that someone out there doesn't want us to end up together."

"But we keep coming back to each other, don't we? That has to mean something, Sydney," Vaughn said, his voice low and tender. "I have no intention of losing you again. Not now, not ever. It's not like we chose to be here hurting each other when we should be picking china patterns or decorating the nursery. It's who we are. It's in our nature to be torn apart from each other again and again and again. We didn't choose this life."

"But we did," she replied, her eyes growing hard. "When we joined the agency, we did."

"We didn't know it was going to be like this," Vaughn replied. "And, Sydney, it's not always going to be easy and we're going to fight and we're going to be played against each other but know this, I will always love you and I will always come back to you. Nothing you could do could ever make me love you less."

"Same," she said, wanting to hit herself. When it counted, she couldn't even make herself string together a full sentence. She'd never been good when it came to talking to the people she loved. She preferred to smile or let the tears show how she felt and this time was no different but there was something she had to say. "I'm sorry. For what I did."

"I'm not," Vaughn answered. "I'm not thrilled but because of what you did, you and I can finally be together."

She nodded and smiled at the bathroom floor. On the surface of it, Vaughn loved her, and that was all that mattered. He'd forgiven her. Nothing could make her feel better.

"Vaughn?" she asked, turning her head to him. "This floor is getting a bit hard."

"I was just thinking the same thing," he whispered down to her, his voice getting husky.

"Maybe we should go to my room," she suggested. He beamed down at her and caught her lips in a passionate kiss.

"I thought you'd never ask."


End file.
